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Marriage: Handle with Care
by Phil Maxwell September 1998
Before the issues of adultery and divorce can be rightly understood, it is essential to
know Yahweh’s heart and mind in regards to marriage. While there are clearly tangible
standards that pertain to marriage set forth by the Scriptures, if we endeavor to please
the Creator of all things simply by applying those standards, we will almost certainly
err.
For the law made nothing perfect, but the bringing in of a better hope did; by the
which we draw nigh unto God. (Heb 7:19)
Are ye so foolish? having begun in the Spirit, are ye now made perfect by the flesh?
(Gal 3:3)
With the advent of Yahshua the Messiah, we have a covenant with the Father that is
designed to culminate in our being made the perfect children of Yahweh, and that
perfection is defined in spiritual terms, not earthly standards. The carnal law could
never make anyone perfect, though it served as a schoolmaster to bring us to Christ, whose
law is spiritual, by showing the futility of seeking perfection through the flesh. As we
will all stand before the judgment seat of Christ, we will answer to the spiritual law of
Christ in that judgment.
For we must all appear before the judgment seat of Christ; that every one may receive
the things done in his body, according to that he hath done, whether it be good or bad.
(2 Cor 5:10)
Nowhere is the contrast between the carnal law and the spiritual law more apparent than in
the issue of marriage. Although Yahweh has never changed, allowances were made for human
shortcomings in the carnal standards pertaining to marriage. Yahshua stripped these things
away, however, revealing the heart of the Father in regards to marriage.
According to Yahshua, adultery wasn’t simply a matter of a person’s actions, but
of their heart. His definition convicts virtually every man of this heinous sin:
Ye have heard that it was said by them of old time, Thou shalt not commit adultery: But I say unto you, That whosoever looketh on a woman to lust after her hath committed
adultery with her already in his heart. (Matt 5:27-28)
He also showed how the Father’s heart had always been for marriage to be a monogamous
lifelong bond, and effectively undid the gender based double standards that had become
institutionalized under the old law:
And they said, Moses suffered to write a bill of divorcement, and to put her away. And Jesus answered and said unto them, For the hardness of your heart he wrote you this
precept. But from the beginning of the creation God made them male and female. For this cause shall a man leave his father and mother, and cleave to his wife; And they twain shall be one flesh: so then they are no more twain, but one flesh. What therefore God hath joined together, let not man put asunder. And he saith unto them, Whosoever shall put away his wife, and marry another,
committeth adultery against her. And if a woman shall put away her husband, and be married to another, she committeth
adultery. (Mark 10:4-12)
Referring to the same prophetical utterance by Adam, Paul revealed how the monogamous bond
of marriage relates to things eternal, showing that as far back as the first earthly
marriage, Yahweh intended it to be a type of the eternal marriage between Christ and the
church:
For this cause shall a man leave his father and mother, and shall be joined unto his
wife, and they two shall be one flesh. This is a great mystery: but I speak concerning Christ and the church.
(Eph 5:31-32)
We can see that from the very beginning, when Yahweh made Adam and Eve, He had an eternal
plan in mind. Allowances were made for man’s shortcomings for a time, but
Yahweh’s perfect and eternal design for man has never changed. With this in mind, we
must also see that even marriage that is in perfect harmony with Yahshua’s spiritual
law is only a temporary measure, pertaining only to this life.
For in the resurrection they neither marry, nor are given in marriage,
but are as the angels of God in heaven. (Matt 22:30)
For the woman which hath an husband is bound by the law to her husband so long as
he liveth; but if the husband be dead, she is loosed from the law of her husband.
(Rom 7:2)
While marriage accommodates many purposes that are directed entirely at needs that pertain
to our earthly lives only, this does not mean that there are no spiritual ramifications to
how we conduct ourselves in our marriages. We can safely conclude that the Father hates
adultery and divorce, preferring for those who are married to remain married for life. He
also wants the marriages to be ordered according to a set pattern, fashioned according to
the relationship between Christ and the Church. All of this and more, however, only tells
us what the Father wants in regards to our marriages, not why these things are important.
As it is written, the Spirit searches the deep things of God, and if we really want to
know the Father’s heart in these things, we’re going to have to have some
understanding of why it matters so much.
At this point a cautionary note is in order. Like children, obedience is the first
priority when it comes to our relationship with God. This does not mean that we ought not
to understand the deeper reasons that He requires what He does, only that obedience comes
first. In other words, we must be careful to avoid allowing whatever deeper understanding
we may gain of the reasons for His will as a means to justify disregard for His will. When
we probe the deeper things of Yahweh, we are more susceptible to deception, as Eve was
beguiled by the serpent. The simplicity which is in Christ was shown by the fact that
Yahshua always did those things that were pleasing to His Father. With the serpent’s
prompt, Eve searched out the reason Yahweh didn’t want them to eat the fruit, and
forgetting the unqualified command not to eat it, justified disobedience in her own mind
based on a partial and erroneous understanding of His mind.
And he that sent me is with me: the Father hath not left me alone; for I
do always those things that please him. (John 8:29)
If marriage itself only pertains to this age, and the marriage covenant between a man and
woman is only in effect while they both live in this world, why shouldn’t our regard
for the obligations therein be mitigated by eternal considerations? The answer to this is
that while marriage may be temporal in nature, obedience to Yahweh is and always has been
the defining element of faith, and faith is the door through which we receive grace and
salvation. By faith, Noah, Abraham, Yahshua, and countless others were obedient to the
Father’s will against circumstances that could easily have “justified”
disobedience. They did well by simply obeying the expressed will of Yahweh, and we would
do well in following their example in our marriages and every other area of our lives in
this world.
As members of Church of the living God, we are espoused to Yahshua, and our obligations to
Him are as a wife to a husband, to reverence and be in subjection to Him regardless of
circumstances that tempt us otherwise.
Wives, submit yourselves unto your own husbands, as unto the Lord. For the husband is the head of the wife, even as Christ is the head of the church: and
he is the saviour of the body. Therefore as the church is subject unto Christ, so let the wives be to their own
husbands in every thing. Nevertheless let every one of you in particular so love his wife even as himself; and
the wife see that she reverence her husband. (Eph 5:22-24, 33)
For I am jealous over you with godly jealousy: for I have espoused you to one husband,
that I may present you as a chaste virgin to Christ.
But I fear, lest by any means, as the serpent beguiled Eve through his subtilty, so your
minds should be corrupted from the simplicity that is in Christ. (2 Cor 11:2-3)
Given the nature of our calling, therefore, the judgment we apply in our choices and
actions in this life directly relate to our faithfulness to Yahshua. Although marriage is
only one of many aspects of life in this world, it is one of the most significant. Not
only is marriage a sanctified means of addressing earthly concerns and a type for
illustrating spiritual lessons, it is a proving ground for testing and refining our
spiritual faithfulness to our spiritual head, Christ. This precept is unavoidable and
without exception: We must be faithful in small things before we can be entrusted with
bigger things. In the context of marriage, the eternal significance of how we conduct
ourselves as husbands and wives is that it gauges our present faithfulness to our
betrothed spiritual husband, Yahshua, and serves as a primary element of judgment as to
what place, if any, we will have in His kingdom.
In marriage, the earthly type and forerunner to the marriage between the Church and
Yahshua, like everything else of this life, we will reap what we sow.
Be not deceived; God is not mocked: for whatsoever a man soweth, that shall he also
reap. (Gal 6:7)
Even as I have seen, they that plow iniquity, and sow wickedness, reap the same.
(Job 4:8)
Therefore shall they eat of the fruit of their own way, and be filled with their own
devices. (Prov 1:31)
If we wish to have a place in the bride of Christ, we must first learn to honor him in the
respective roles in our earthly marriages. Surely when Yahshua comes to take account of
our service, how we have conducted ourselves in our marriages will be a centerpiece of
that judgment for most.
His lord said unto him, Well done, thou good and faithful servant: thou hast been
faithful over a few things, I will make thee ruler over many things: enter thou into the
joy of thy lord. (Matt 25:21)
Rejoice, O young man, in thy youth; and let thy heart cheer thee in the days of thy
youth, and walk in the ways of thine heart, and in the sight of thine eyes: but know thou,
that for all these things God will bring thee into judgment. (Eccl 11:9)
For God shall bring every work into judgment, with every secret thing, whether it be
good, or whether it be evil. (Eccl 12:14)
In the day when God shall judge the secrets of men by Jesus Christ according to my
gospel. (Rom 2:16)
Every man's work shall be made manifest: for the day shall declare it, because it shall
be revealed by fire; and the fire shall try every man's work of what sort it is.
(1 Cor 3:13)
To summarize, as we search out the matters of marriage, adultery, and divorce, the aim
must be to honor the spiritual will of the Father, not just the letter of outward
standards. The judgment seat of Christ will try us accordingly. In so doing, however, we
must be careful not to dismiss the outward standards, though we should never think them
sufficient in themselves to insure perfect conformance with the Father’s will. We
must start with not only an understanding of what He desires, but a heart that is
committed to submitting to His will. As we surrender our own thoughts and ways to His
will, we will gain in knowledge and wisdom, understanding the broader scope of the
Father’s heart and mind.
There really isn’t any reasonable argument against the fact that Yahweh’s
perfect will would have marriage to be a monogamous, life long bond.
But from the beginning of the creation God made them male and female. For this cause shall a man leave his father and mother, and cleave to his wife; And they twain shall be one flesh: so then they are no more twain, but one flesh. What therefore God hath joined together, let not man put asunder.
(Mark 10:6-9)
The debates rage over whether or not various circumstances common to this imperfect world
allow for or necessitate a believer separating, divorcing, and/or remarrying. Even if this
is the case, it should be noted that such allowances do not reflect Yahweh’s perfect
will, being rather in the vein of the allowance for divorce given in the old law, which
was only because of the hardness of their hearts.
It is important to note that marriage is a covenant sealed by vows between a man and a
woman. The keeping of vows, marital and otherwise, has always been and remains a hallmark
of integrity in Yahweh’s sight.
When thou shalt vow a vow unto the LORD thy God, thou shalt not slack to pay it: for
the LORD thy God will surely require it of thee; and it would be sin in thee. But if thou shalt forbear to vow, it shall be no sin in thee. That which is gone out of thy lips thou shalt keep and perform; even a freewill
offering, according as thou hast vowed unto the LORD thy God, which thou hast promised
with thy mouth. (Deut 23:21-23)
When thou vowest a vow unto God, defer not to pay it; for he hath no pleasure in fools:
pay that which thou hast vowed. Better is it that thou shouldest not vow, than that thou shouldest vow and not pay.
(Eccl 5:4-5)
Before Yahshua, special attention was paid to obligations that came by way of vows and
oaths, as though other commitments were less important to honor. Yahshua reproved this
distinction, showing that we will be held accountable for every word spoken, whether by
public vow or oath or not:
But I say unto you, Swear not at all; neither by heaven; for it is God's throne:
(Matt 5:34, 37)
But let your communication be, Yea, yea; Nay, nay: for whatsoever is more than these
cometh of evil. But I say unto you, That every idle word that men shall speak, they shall give account
thereof in the day of judgment. For by thy words thou shalt be justified, and by thy words thou shalt be condemned.
(Matt 12:36-37)
All the more, those who are followers of Yahshua should highly regard their marital
covenant. Now, some may suggest that if marital vows are rendered before coming to Christ,
the obligations are mitigated by that fact. The Scriptures neither teach such a precept,
nor is the notion even credible when tested against other earthly obligations. Would we be
less obligated to pay our debts or keep other promises made before coming to Christ? Such
thinking could make a mockery of becoming a Christian, allowing people to use the body of
Christ as a shield from any undesirable earthly obligations. Besides, Yahweh is clearly
willing and able to reach us and accomplish His will under any circumstances:
But as God hath distributed to every man, as the Lord hath called every one, so let him
walk. And so ordain I in all churches. Is any man called being circumcised? let him not become uncircumcised. Is any called in uncircumcision? let him not be circumcised. Circumcision is nothing, and uncircumcision is nothing, but the keeping of the
commandments of God. Let every man abide in the same calling wherein he was called. Art thou called being a servant? care not for it: but if thou mayest be made free, use
it rather. For he that is called in the Lord, being a servant, is the Lord's freeman: likewise
also he that is called, being free, is Christ's servant. Ye are bought with a price; be not ye the servants of men. Brethren, let every man, wherein he is called, therein abide with God.
...Art thou bound unto a wife? seek not to be loosed. Art thou loosed from a wife? seek
not a wife. (1 Cor 7:17-24, 27)
For I am persuaded, that neither death, nor life, nor angels, nor principalities, nor
powers, nor things present, nor things to come, nor height, nor depth, nor any other creature, shall be able to separate us from the
love of God, which is in Christ Jesus our Lord. (Rom 8:38-39)
Not only does Yahweh want us to accept the place in life He has called us from and/or
placed us in, He wants us to be faithful to Him, accordingly. It has been suggested that
the Scriptural instruction to believers to only marry within the body of Christ so as not
to be unequally yoked applies to those who are married to unbelievers, as well. Perhaps we
should ask Moses, Daniel, and Joseph about serving Yahweh in the midst of circumstances
that would seem to make doing so untenable? Again, the Word of Yahweh speaks very clearly,
“Brethren, let every man, wherein he is called, therein abide with God. ...Art thou
bound unto a wife? seek not to be loosed.” (1 Cor 7:24, 27)
Additionally, we should keep in mind always the prevailing will of the Father, who gave
His only begotten Son because He doesn’t want any to perish.
The Lord is not slack concerning his promise, as some men count slackness; but is
longsuffering to us-ward, not willing that any should perish, but that all should come to
repentance. (2 Pet 3:9)
When only one spouse comes to Christ, the will of Yahweh turns to the one who remains
lost. As they are one flesh, the marriage is sanctified by only the one, and the hope is
that their testimony will effectively draw the other one to Yahshua.
For the unbelieving husband is sanctified by the wife, and the unbelieving wife is
sanctified by the husband: else were your children unclean; but now are they holy. But if the unbelieving depart, let him depart. A brother or a sister is not under
bondage in such cases: but God hath called us to peace. For what knowest thou, O wife, whether thou shalt save thy husband? or how knowest
thou, O man, whether thou shalt save thy wife? (1 Cor 7:14-16)
Regardless of what else may be made of this passage, clearly the perfect will of Yahweh
would have believers to remain with unbelieving spouses in order to accommodate their
salvation. Peter also addressed this:
Likewise, ye wives, be in subjection to your own husbands; that, if any obey not the
word, they also may without the word be won by the conversation of the wives; while they behold your chaste conversation coupled with fear. Whose adorning let it not be that outward adorning of plaiting the hair, and of wearing
of gold, or of putting on of apparel; but let it be the hidden man of the heart, in that which is not corruptible, even the
ornament of a meek and quiet spirit, which is in the sight of God of great price.
(1 Pet 3:1-4)
I would like to also call attention to the opening word of this passage,
“Likewise,” which indicates that the words that follow are to be taken in
similar context to those that preceded. The preceding verses show that the subject was
enduring suffering, as Christ did:
For this is thankworthy, if a man for conscience toward God endure grief, suffering
wrongfully. For what glory is it, if, when ye be buffeted for your faults, ye shall take it
patiently? but if, when ye do well, and suffer for it, ye take it patiently, this is
acceptable with God. For even hereunto were ye called: because Christ also suffered for us, leaving us an
example, that ye should follow his steps: Who did no sin, neither was guile found in his mouth: Who, when he was reviled, reviled not again; when he suffered, he threatened not; but
committed himself to him that judgeth righteously: Who his own self bare our sins in his own body on the tree, that we, being dead to
sins, should live unto righteousness: by whose stripes ye were healed. For ye were as sheep going astray; but are now returned unto the Shepherd and Bishop of
your souls. (1 Pet 2:19-25)
One need not be a Bible scholar to know that it is commonplace for Yahweh to place His
servants in grievous circumstances for the sake of the lost and even the rebellious
(consider Moses and Joseph, amongst many). So it can be for believers married to
unbelievers, whose souls are precious to the Creator, and should be to all who are His,
especially their spouses. Whether or not successful in reaching the lost spouse, the
believer who values their soul enough to honor Yahweh in their conduct in the marriage for
the hope of reaching them, even if coupled with grief, will have ample reward in heaven.
The spirit of our age tends to reject these principles, and it is no surprise. In order to
honor the Father in what can be very difficult circumstances, one must prefer others over
themselves, be willing to suffer, and truly believe in the power of God to work against
all other considerations. In short, one must be the opposite of who Paul told Timothy
would bear an appearance of godliness in the last days, but deny the power of true
godliness:
This know also, that in the last days perilous times shall come. For men shall be lovers of their own selves, covetous, boasters, proud,
blasphemers,
disobedient to parents, unthankful, unholy, without natural affection, trucebreakers, false accusers, incontinent, fierce, despisers
of those that are good, traitors, heady, highminded, lovers of pleasures more than lovers of God;
having a form of godliness, but denying the power thereof: from such turn away.
For of this sort are they which creep into houses, and lead captive silly women laden
with sins, led away with divers lusts, ever learning, and never able to come to the knowledge of the truth.
(2 Tim 3:1-7)
The truth is that Yahweh sanctifies marriages, not divorces, and that sanctification
includes those that are mismatches between believers and unbelievers. The truth is that
the heavenly Father doesn’t desire that any should perish, but that all would come to
repentance, and He has demonstrated that this concern prevails over all others by offering
up His own Son for the sake of sinners. His will can and does even include sacrificing the
comfort and security of His people, perhaps even their lives. If we will be perfect as our
Father is perfect, than our hearts must be as His heart is, and we must be willing to
suffer for the cause of Christ, especially considering the promised rewards to those who
do so.
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